Look to the Triggers...
An old friend unwelcome friend came knocking on a rare rainy gray day in LA yesterday.
So considering I was already experiencing the seasonal depression that comes to a spoiled sunshine worshipper that has been only 24hours without her beloved rays I was definitely not feeling too hot to begin with. Not to mention there was a trigger….
The thing about an old wound is it is booby trapped with all sorts of inconvenient triggers. Yesterday I had a very conscious moment of witnessing a particular trigger and observed in horror as I watched my mind ‘react’ as it had always done.
NOTE TO SELF: Do not judge these dark tides, they are simply that, tides. And as they come they too shall pass
SOO as I watched, judged and recognized this story line that always comes after this particular trigger I challenged it verbally and said out loud “Why did I immediately go there? Where is this coming from? What wound is needing healing and love? What do I need to feel good right now?” And so this actually reminded of some significant healing I had done on this exact wound a year prior, and I used that experience to show me the way to healing more of it…
Here are the particulars so perhaps you can apply this theoretical lesson to a particular situation and wound in your own life. We left my dad when I was just a baby of 7 months. Mom and brother and I moved out after adultery and endless dysfunctions between him and my mom. Fast forward through my entire childhood up until mid adolescence. He showed his love through $10 tucked away in a generic birthday card, or a cut short phone call a couple of times a year, or a random trip to his house where he would dump us with his then girlfriend while he got high in the bathroom.
Yeah, sad story but common story sooo I’m getting to the point…
So I, still being young enough to not fully comprehend that this was clearly his issues effecting his ability to properly love us, I started to instead form a belief that men leave me, always and no matter what eventually.
Psychotic. I know.
But how many times can a little girls phone calls go unanswered, un returned, holidays forgotten actual existence seemingly forgotten before she starts to build up barriers and protection strategies to her heart?
The answer in an image would be one of a ticking bomb with a very short fuse.
Up the walls came to my sensitive heart. I shut him out completely which wasn’t all that hard to do since he never called anyway. Somehow that hurt more.
Fastforward through adolescence, teens and early adulthood,
I began to re-create these cat and mouse relationships where I played out the wound again and again. We would spark, we would both be involved and they would fade, I would play it cool until an (undisclosed) amount of time would pass and then fear absolutely consumed me. Questions of worthiness, of value and of level of commitment would all flash in hyper speed through my mind just as they had through little me’s mind when daddy disappeared.
I would then push and push using my limitlessly creative Gemini brain to recreate the spark,
to entertain these suitors and appease them to essentially receive that hit of validation- the response, the feeling of being seen. A short lived relationship last year brought this karma to a head in a very VERY painful way and I completely broke down like a little girl locked outside in the snow on xmas morning. I was utterly devastated with the way my relationships were playing out and evermore so with the way i was FEELING. Most of my breakthroughs come when I hit these emotional rock bottoms. And so as self awareness has taught me, I got very curious about the root of this feeling. Sniffing it out by following the trail of my wants.
I wanted attention, validation, communication CONSTANTLY from these men, meaning I needed my worth affirmed, revealing that at some point I had handed over my worthiness in the hands of a man- any man.
By walking bravely down this consciousness trail of my mind I was able to see the dysfunction and wounding that was created with my biological father. This was absolutely Groundbreaking! If you know me well, then you know the moment I am AWARE of something awry in my aura I full force make whatever healing and shifts I feel is necessary an absolute priority! My greatest purpose on this Earth is to help elevate others and I cannot fulfill my divine purpose if I am walking around leaking.
So I wrote my runaway dad whom I hadn’t spoken to in 10+ years a letter….
I did it from a place of deep compassion and love and most importantly, unfiltered honesty. I wrote it out, all of the pain, heartbreak and confusion- everything that I was absolutely holding against him energetically. The blame and resentment especially came pouring out in my words in a way that wove a tale of forgiveness ultimately. As my higher self composed the letter I realized that my heart truly did want to let it go, it wanted to be freed from the burden of our rocky relationship and to start a new.
After deep consideration and rereading the letter and just breathing out the years of tension I felt so FREE.
I ended up messaging the letter to him on FaceBook, I wanted him to feel that freedom too…
Long story short we have a clean slate that we are building on now, he actually apologized (which I did not expect!) and I have healed a HUGE part of a wound that has been infected for nearly my entire life. The scar is rubbed rarely and when it is by certain triggers, instead of ganging up on myself or pushing hard on my partner I lovingly look within at that little girl that just wanted to feel loved.
She wanted to be treated like a princess every single day-
told she was beautiful, loved and smart! And I give this to her! I love her so hard and tell her that she is safe and its okay to love and to LOVE unconditionally.
Thats just a chapter of the healing but my intention is that it brings you some hope, especially if you have ever felt those emotional rock bottom moments, or inconvenient wounds causing unwanted behaviors in your life.
Look within Beloved, your answer lies therein
The Blonde Priestess